Who am I? What do I want? What is my true purpose? These questions are not a question for anyone else in particular, but in fact only questions that, I feel, only I can answer. For the moment I seem to flit from one grandiose idea to another while dragging those people who are closest to me along for the ride. I cannot myself ever imagine following someone else for the sake of their dreams. I can support an idea or decision that another person makes, but I cannot see myself actually doing something for sake of them, give up on something I want.
I feel inherently selfish and generally ungrateful for the few things that I have had in my life. I don’t look around and see all the accomplishments or sacrifices of others. I look around and crave more than what I already have and want to strive for more than I may be capable of. For all these things that I have identified in myself I have not yet actually come very close to answering those nagging questions in the back of my mind. Instead I have just sunk myself into a quiet place in the home that I live in surrounded by the people who love me, and I brood.
I brood on the next question or challenge that I have come up with for myself, and I feel a pull of nostalgia tug on my sleeve and wonder, “what if”? Now I could continue my tirade about every what if scenario, but I have done that before a don’t really feel like opening old wounds all over again. Especially when there is nothing readily gained from doing so. I feel myself becoming somewhat more deliberate with my actions as I get a little older in an attempt to learn from my past mistakes. In doing so, I can’t help but feel that I am making completely new ones and I feel powerless from stopping them from happening because it may very well be for the benefit of my future.
At what cost though? I cannot immediately imagine what I would be willing to give for anything that I am currently ambitious for. I have had ambitions before and I have made sacrifices before, but somehow, I feel as though they did nothing for me. In fact, in some instances I feel as though I inadvertently set myself up for failure. I am plagued by the idea that I am doomed to repeat a cycle that I haven’t even identified and while I struggle with the thought my life is flying past me without any hope of slowing down for me to realize that everything that I pushed for has already left me. So, I find myself asking yet again, “What do I want”? Most often I find myself naming things that I don’t want because that seem simpler by far, and then I realized that may be my inherent problem.
Seeking the simpler option has always been my fall back plan, I come up with complex ideas for my future and then set out to make them reality. I always have back up plans set up for the ever-lingering possibility that I will fail. In fact, nearly every plan involves what I will do, if, I fail. I realize that part of the complexity of my planning is to the extent that I actually plan to fail nearly every time. Therefore, I have decided to come up with a plan, that has no option for failure. Something so great that if I fail, I will mean something so extraordinary that I the outcome is something so intolerable that to do so would condemn me in the eyes of everyone I know and value. So, what is this plan pray tell?
I will teach something to people yearning for some of the same answers that I have. I will learn the formulas to help me find the answers and identify the right kind of questions to ask so that I am not whirling around in a useless circle. I will learn them and then I will teach them, and with some hard work, because I have abandoned simplicity, I will find an answer. If I do not find the answer I will set my successors up for success in such a way that they may find an answer. These questions are not something that I consider lightly. These questions are bigger than my own self-worth or my place in anything. These questions are quantifiable; therefore, the answers too are quantifiable.
The Image is The Spider Nebula as found at https://www.nasa.gov.