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August 2016

Tepid Depth

When you look into my eyes, do you see how tired I am? Do you see how hard I have worked or care that I have trouble sleeping? Day in and day out I wake up and accomplish something then move onto the next task. Do you feel the weight I drag behind me? Do you hear the hint of exhaustion in my voice when I speak? What thoughts do these questions illicit I wonder. I remain on a never-ending journey to find more questions to ask, and these questions come to me when I observe myself in the mirror. How many of us take the time to look into our own eyes and truly try to understand what motivates ourselves. I know many of us already believe that we know, but I am not convinced when I hear others speak about themselves and what they focus on. I am no better at understanding than anyone else and I do not ask these questions in the way a sage to a student would. No, I do not have the answers, nor do I claim to. I am not even sure that if the answers were available, I would even be willing to learn them; how presumptuous of me to assume that responsibility and attempt to teach others what I believe they should know. No, I will not rob them of the opportunity to experience and learn the answers for themselves. I am not on a misguided mission to enlighten or become enlightened, I am here to live, love, and be loved. Come what may, I remain ever vigilant of myself and of others motivations. Consider this though, when you look in your eyes, what do you see?

Love Happiness and Family

There are fewer things in this world more motivating than family, love, or happiness. What are these things that drive people though? Conceptually they are the basic emotions and people in your life that provide the most support to you when you feel like you are at your lowest. Ironically they can be the largest sources that contribute to our greatest pains. For example when I was younger I was angry at my younger brother therefore I told him that I was going to write a scathing journal entry that was going to be about or because of him and that when people read it, they would know what a terrible person he was. We were of course young enough for this to impact him in a way that put him in tears and beg me not to write it only to run from the room when I opened my notebook and began writing. Now despite what I said I am not actually the kind of writer who can plan on how something I write will actually turn out, and for this reason I did in fact begin the first two sentences pointing out characteristic flaws specific to my brother.

In the end though what I had set out to write and what I had actually written were two very different worlds, yes I had written the piece with anger in my heart and malice on my tongue; however I had also noted that my brother was one of the few people who could get me angry enough to drive me to write and therefore prove how much I cared for him. I also remember going on about how being the older brother I would never tolerate anyone treating him the way I occasionally did because I knew I would treat him unkindly from a kind portion of my mind due to our familial ties. I along with a group of my older friends would meet anyone that would pick on him, or treat him unkindly. I use this as an example because it shows that I too am driven by my love for my family and that despite our spats and brief periods of unhappiness we would still come together and defend one another and subsequently bring others together for a common cause.

At our roots I can’t help but note that we are still a tribal minded society with various different ideologies struggling to stay afloat and relevant both within our own communities and our larger nation society as a whole. We all just want to feel apart of something greater than ourselves and that we as individuals also matter in the larger scheme of things. That old familiar feeling of belonging to a family brings thoughts of our love and happiness to bear on everything that we do and drives us to be better versions of ourselves, because at the end of the day we just want to be someone that a younger version of us will look up to and wish to be. For these reasons remember to give a little of yourself to a stranger when the opportunity presents itself, send a smile someone’s way and be open to the idea that we are all here for one another, this world is our home and everyone is connected by a need for love, a desire for happiness and memories of a family we either had, have, or want, I love you unconditionally.

Pondering Sadness and Timelessness Acheived

So here I sit upon my carpet that barely brings warmth or comfort to my poor dilapidated and chilled feet, pondering as I often do when there seems almost nothing else to be done. My gaze rises slightly to peer through a crack or rather a sliver of intruding light that seems, in my mind, to be attempting an escape back into the world from whence it came here in the first place. The only thought I am consciously aware of is how soon the night seems to end and the light brings upon a new day, a day of memories past, and a day of plans or maybe nothing at all; perhaps a day of achievement or contradicting failure or loss. After brief contemplation I think of days past and remember with a slight sadness thoughts of how ever-moving time is and how ever-ending time will remain to be.

Repetitive thoughts

A lump in my throat, a chill down my spine as nostalgia sets in a single thought on my mind. Gone seem the days of hopes and desires, replaced now it seems by a duty that mires. I shake my head; these thoughts are not my own, everything I’ve worked for and done has wrought what I now have here. Happiness now and tad bit of pride should be the thoughts that stir in my mind, instead I get dribble based on past hopes or accomplishments. I wonder to myself where it all went, now don’t misunderstand it’s not a drive or the ambition that drives people into action that I am referring to, nor are they the hopes and dreams of a past self remembered. No, it seems my old thoughts of time always prevailed in my mind because through observation and a decided mind, time is precious to all that exist. Time is something we all could do with just a little bit more of.

Gratitude

I am so happy now that I have great friends who are motivated, independent, and supportive. I will live in abundance and good health my happiness can only grow. I have already accomplished the things that I have wanted in the past. Now I just need to make new goals so that I can find something new to enjoy. I am grateful for everything I have and will have.

The Image was found using pickthebrain.com. More of the artist work can be found there. All copyright rights remain with the owner and use of this image is done with the fair use act in mind.

Stormy weather on a sunny day

So, today is an interesting day for uninteresting reasons. I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes because of a dream I had about someone that died a few years ago. I have to admit that I was altogether uncomfortable with the idea that I found myself in an inconsolable state for some time. I quickly got out of bed and stepped into my shower, thinking that maybe I could wash the memory away. Instead, I sanitized myself and waited for my wife to finish washing up alongside me, with barely a word spoken between us. She always knows when I am not feeling quite myself, and stays close while keeping her distance from me, as she knows that I have a tendency to feel claustrophobic. After she got out of the shower, I opted to stay in a bit longer, still trying to forget, or at least put at ease what my mind refuses to let go of.

Now,  I did not feel quite the way I would have liked to when I got out of a shower, so I decided I would do something that my wife uses to help herself when she feels a bout of sadness. I went down stairs sat down next to my wife and asked her if she was hungry. Of course she said yes, it was early in the morning and we had not eaten yet. So, I went to the kitchen and decided to put my mind to a task: making some oatmeal. Once our breakfast had been made and served, I decided to get close to my wife on the couch and smother myself in her presence. The idea of her with me always helps, I mean, if it helps her the woman of my dreams who also happens to deal with moderate to severe depression, well then, who am I to question it?

Shortly thereafter, I plugged in a movie that I haven’t seen in some time, and stayed close to my wife for as long as the movie would go and well into the credits. Eventually, she looked at me and told me that she was going to make us some spaghetti with meatless meat, vegetables, and garlic. I thought I would share my Sunday morning with you today because I have not been able to put actual words to how I woke up this morning. In fact, I like the idea of being able to say that although I did not wake up feeling the greatest I ever have, I am able to remember the good memories I have had with people from my past and enjoy my present appreciating everything others have to offer.

I sincerely hope you have a great rest of your day, and remember to reach out to those who love you and return the love when someone needs it.

 

The Image was found using bhphotovideo.com. More of the artist work can be found there. All copyright rights remain with the owner and use of this image is done with the fair use act in mind.

A G Rated society

Do you ever feel like you’re alone? Not in an existential way, but I mean when you turn on the T.V. and flip to the news or read a headline about something that people are getting involved in? How about when you’re listening to the radio and the station brings up something going on and you get an itch to switch the channel until they have either changed the topic or put your music back on? Lately that’s been going on with me. Please don’t misunderstand I enjoy keeping up to date with current events and world affairs. What I do not necessarily enjoy is hearing the same thing over and over regarding the same two candidates for president in America or how voting for either of them will end everything as we know it. Black lives matter, all lives matter, and blue lives matter, what happened to the equality? Was it really there to begin with? We have gone from using children in the workplace as a cheap labor force to enforcing some of the most divers curriculums in the education system and we have completely lost our identity. What is our identity though? We are the loud Americans butting into things we know nothing about and fixing problems that some in world claim we are responsible for in the first place. Is this true? Are these accusations based on fact or are they just other angry societies of people looking for something or someone to blame? I for one do not have an answer for any of these questions.

What I do believe is that people need to start stressing less and getting off their Asses and their phones and do something that may actually make a difference a little more often. Online games and social media keep our attention. People behind microphones talk and other people listening hear hatred or hope. We are a society gasping for breath barely keeping afloat drowning in something unseen but as tangible as this keyboard that I am typing on at this very instant. When people read pornographic they expect to read something offensive. When they see “G rated society” they anticipate an attack on people with an opinion they wish to express, an opinion that generally opposes what most people would consider politically correct. Here is something that may or may not be politically correct; when someone says something along the lines of “All guns need to be handed over to the government because people are too irresponsible to handle them safely.” What immediately stirs in your mind and gut? Do you agree with the sentiment or do you feel something akin to rage for such a thought even being considered? Do hateful words and counter thoughts occur to you? What about transgender people? Do you consider them people? How about gay marriage? You know what the idea of gay marriage reminds me of? The idea that once upon a time, interracial marriage was looked at in equal horror and disgust.

These thoughts and concepts are so prevalent in this moment and time, and its all being overshadowed by a single event that temporarily redirects peoples attention to something that is supposed to bring unity and cohesion, regardless of borders and boundaries. Instead I hear stories of conflict outside of normal competitiveness, stories that describe people enraged that someone would utter an opinion in opposition to their own. I myself am guilty of this knee jerk reaction instead of being a reasonable adult and human being I immediately want to go on the offensive and cause that person emotional or psychological pain in a misguided effort to either alter their opinion or silence it altogether. If an idea is considered dangerous enough to enough people does it deserve the death sentence that so many people would pass judgment on? Everything here is important to our growth and continued development as an overall society. What is most important for our society are the people within it and the continued existence of their ideas and opinions.

The Imposition of Chaos

Winding, wending, twisting, and turning and so on goes the chaotic maelstrom of our thoughts and emotions. We are beings of conscious thought and intention lacking the map to our most basic want’s and desires. Wandering evermore through these trials we create for ourselves, for what would be more painful a truth to bear? Life’s simplicity is a figment of an overactive imagination that I refuse to believe. That should not however discourage you from striding toward anything you want. If life were truly simple would it then be worth it in the end? Be proud without being prideful, be aware without being vain, and remain hungry without being gluttonous. These thoughts are what drive me to remain while moving, staying true while navigating this wending trail of obstacles erected by this forest of chaos and lies.

Our collective mind

I used to think that we all wandered this world as individuals, alone and seeking different paths in our proverbial forest of life. My perspective seems to be broadening or at least shifting with age or knowledge, perhaps even experience has played it’s own role in my perceptual growth. I am certain of something previously uncomfortable to me when we meet others with the mind and eyes to see as I do, embrace them unconditionally. Despite their flaws, differences of opinion, or political standpoint I am not a single individual working toward my own goals. I am part of the collective human consciousness seeking the same thing. Happiness feel elusive and sometimes even theoretical at first glance, especially when there seems to be so many people living the exact opposite of what they want. What is the common factor in all of these people and perhaps even myself at times? Perhaps it’s perspective or circumstances that just seem as though we have no control over. Perhaps fate throws more at people who seek answers and solutions. Rather than seeking answers and solutions maybe we should rather decide what the answer or solution should be. Who are we to make such decisions without thought or consideration to others? What about the input from dear friends or family, surely they would have something to offer especially the people you know that are older or wiser than yourself. I cannot say that I am truly convinced by that thought process.

I have lived for only a couple decades and have been making decisions and answering questions without digging deeper than what I considered necessary since the turn of my second decade. I have lived something of an out of the ordinary life, I have moved quite a few times for reasons the few people would believe. I was there and I don’t always believe it. What I am attempting to do is use myself as a minor example without actually providing any supporting proof or real background. I do not expect you take the word of a stranger, but neither do I expect that you would discard my word without at least some consideration. We the people who are so used to hanging on every word of news anchors, politicians, and famous story tellers who publish their daydreams and fantasies for the masses; we who readily drink their loaded fruit punch at a party we aren’t sure we were actually invited to or perhaps just got the wrong directions to and stayed due to curiosity. All I am saying is that to the best of my ability I live by the rule to own my decisions and the reactions to situations I have no control over. Alternatively consider this, control is an illusion. The only thing you can truly control is how you react and respond to anything life throws at you.

We are creatures of passion so use that to your advantage. Fear not for mistakes will be made and things do not always go how you expect them to. So with that in mind find comfort in the idea that no matter what you decide to do, something will happen unless you do nothing. Then everything going on in your mind at this very moment remains impossible until you decide to create that reality for yourself. Now take a deep breath if you have made it through this post, sit back, look around and smile. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I have lived for only a couple decades and have been making decisions and answering questions without digging deeper than what I considered necessary since the turn of my second decade. I have lived something of an out of the ordinary life, I have moved quite a few times for reasons the few people would believe. I was there and I don’t always believe it. What I am attempting to do is use myself as a minor example without actually providing any supporting proof or real background. I do not expect you take the word of a stranger, but neither do I expect that you would discard my word without at least some consideration. We the people who are so used to hanging on every word of news anchors, politicians, and famous story tellers who publish their daydreams and fantasies for the masses; we who readily drink their loaded fruit punch at a party we aren’t sure we were actually invited to or perhaps just got the wrong directions to and stayed due to curiosity. All I am saying is that to the best of my ability I live by the rule to own my decisions and the reactions to situations I have no control over. Alternatively consider this, control is an illusion. The only thing you can truly control is how you react and respond to anything life throws at you.

We are creatures of passion so use that to your advantage. Fear not for mistakes will be made and things do not always go how you expect them to. So with that in mind find comfort in the idea that no matter what you decide to do, something will happen unless you do nothing. Then everything going on in your mind at this very moment remains impossible until you decide to create that reality for yourself. Now take a deep breath if you have made it through this post, sit back, look around and smile. Thank you for your time and consideration.

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