Sitting silently sipping my coffee in my corner in a coffee shop in Alabama I ponder the mysterious fluid flowing down my throat and wonder to myself, were we truly meant to be together or was this betrayal just another destiny set upon me. The searing pain on my tongue biting and tearing its way down my throat and as the tears well up in my eyes unbidden and unstoppable as I suppress my natural urge to scream. I treat this place I’m sitting in like a temple or a library yet even more sanctified than any holy shrine on this earth; therefore, I will not scream.
So I have been somewhat neglectful of my poor computer and writing to the point where I feel a bit irresponsible. Now I could use the usual excuses that immediately pop into my mind that people would relate to, but that really isn’t my style. No, I very much prefer to berate myself for having something else that I have failed to accomplish due to my lack of proper time management, minor health issues, and all around sluggishness. So now on to the update! I have a new job bringing health, energy, and luxurious skin care products to those people out there who need it. The catch, we all need it. The magic, it works. When compared to the retail price of all similar products. Perhaps you have heard of it, ItWorks Global independent distributors. Well I wont go too in depth with it because I don’t want to make this an inadvertent advertisement, and that is not why we come here to our little world of make believe or thoughts.
This to me is a place to come with some of my accumulated thoughts where I can try to put them down and allow the potential for a forum of like-minded individuals or groups of people to also share. So I have been preparing for a change in vocation and submitted a few applications that I have been waiting for word back on, in the meantime I have also been preparing for an office inspection that will measure the effectiveness of my management skills, our daily practices, and measuring how well these current programs and procedures will set future managers that will filter through my position up for success.
Now the sickness was just a random bout of body aches and shakes with a minor fever that struck me just after a temporary financial upheaval that was only overcome with the next paycheck. Now I am not the kind of person who generally lives paycheck to paycheck by any means, but this feeling was vaguely familiar with that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I looked at my bank account and saw hundreds of dollars less than I am used to. With that sinking feeling I had to make a difficult decision and cancel plans that I was looking forward to a great deal. To add the maelstrom, my wife and I had a scare when she felt pain in her abdomen and nearly collapsed, something like this would generally be summed up to severe menstrual cramping; however she had just entered into her third trimester of pregnancy so that immediately prompted us to head to the hospital. Graciously it turned out to be Braxton Hicks contractions.
You could say that these things were relatively good reasons to be distracted and not write for some time. I am not of that opinion at all, in fact I believe that some of the best therapy that I could have experienced would have been to step back and recoup within my own head and express some of my frustrations, worries, and feelings about some of the day to day things occurring in rapid sequences that at the time I felt were overwhelming. Only with the power of retrospect now, do I realize the potential opportunity that I may have lost. I hope to remember this hard earned lesson and turn to you the next time. My solace, my retreat, my shield and sword lay in the depths of my written mind, for only with writing does an idea begin to become tangible. It takes mutual minded individuals to feed life into ideas and connectedness.
When you look into my eyes, do you see how tired I am? Do you see how hard I have worked or care that I have trouble sleeping? Day in and day out I wake up and accomplish something then move onto the next task. Do you feel the weight I drag behind me? Do you hear the hint of exhaustion in my voice when I speak? What thoughts do these questions illicit I wonder. I remain on a never-ending journey to find more questions to ask, and these questions come to me when I observe myself in the mirror. How many of us take the time to look into our own eyes and truly try to understand what motivates ourselves. I know many of us already believe that we know, but I am not convinced when I hear others speak about themselves and what they focus on. I am no better at understanding than anyone else and I do not ask these questions in the way a sage to a student would. No, I do not have the answers, nor do I claim to. I am not even sure that if the answers were available, I would even be willing to learn them; how presumptuous of me to assume that responsibility and attempt to teach others what I believe they should know. No, I will not rob them of the opportunity to experience and learn the answers for themselves. I am not on a misguided mission to enlighten or become enlightened, I am here to live, love, and be loved. Come what may, I remain ever vigilant of myself and of others motivations. Consider this though, when you look in your eyes, what do you see?
There are fewer things in this world more motivating than family, love, or happiness. What are these things that drive people though? Conceptually they are the basic emotions and people in your life that provide the most support to you when you feel like you are at your lowest. Ironically they can be the largest sources that contribute to our greatest pains. For example when I was younger I was angry at my younger brother therefore I told him that I was going to write a scathing journal entry that was going to be about or because of him and that when people read it, they would know what a terrible person he was. We were of course young enough for this to impact him in a way that put him in tears and beg me not to write it only to run from the room when I opened my notebook and began writing. Now despite what I said I am not actually the kind of writer who can plan on how something I write will actually turn out, and for this reason I did in fact begin the first two sentences pointing out characteristic flaws specific to my brother.
In the end though what I had set out to write and what I had actually written were two very different worlds, yes I had written the piece with anger in my heart and malice on my tongue; however I had also noted that my brother was one of the few people who could get me angry enough to drive me to write and therefore prove how much I cared for him. I also remember going on about how being the older brother I would never tolerate anyone treating him the way I occasionally did because I knew I would treat him unkindly from a kind portion of my mind due to our familial ties. I along with a group of my older friends would meet anyone that would pick on him, or treat him unkindly. I use this as an example because it shows that I too am driven by my love for my family and that despite our spats and brief periods of unhappiness we would still come together and defend one another and subsequently bring others together for a common cause.
At our roots I can’t help but note that we are still a tribal minded society with various different ideologies struggling to stay afloat and relevant both within our own communities and our larger nation society as a whole. We all just want to feel apart of something greater than ourselves and that we as individuals also matter in the larger scheme of things. That old familiar feeling of belonging to a family brings thoughts of our love and happiness to bear on everything that we do and drives us to be better versions of ourselves, because at the end of the day we just want to be someone that a younger version of us will look up to and wish to be. For these reasons remember to give a little of yourself to a stranger when the opportunity presents itself, send a smile someone’s way and be open to the idea that we are all here for one another, this world is our home and everyone is connected by a need for love, a desire for happiness and memories of a family we either had, have, or want, I love you unconditionally.
So here I sit upon my carpet that barely brings warmth or comfort to my poor dilapidated and chilled feet, pondering as I often do when there seems almost nothing else to be done. My gaze rises slightly to peer through a crack or rather a sliver of intruding light that seems, in my mind, to be attempting an escape back into the world from whence it came here in the first place. The only thought I am consciously aware of is how soon the night seems to end and the light brings upon a new day, a day of memories past, and a day of plans or maybe nothing at all; perhaps a day of achievement or contradicting failure or loss. After brief contemplation I think of days past and remember with a slight sadness thoughts of how ever-moving time is and how ever-ending time will remain to be.
A lump in my throat, a chill down my spine as nostalgia sets in a single thought on my mind. Gone seem the days of hopes and desires, replaced now it seems by a duty that mires. I shake my head; these thoughts are not my own, everything I’ve worked for and done has wrought what I now have here. Happiness now and tad bit of pride should be the thoughts that stir in my mind, instead I get dribble based on past hopes or accomplishments. I wonder to myself where it all went, now don’t misunderstand it’s not a drive or the ambition that drives people into action that I am referring to, nor are they the hopes and dreams of a past self remembered. No, it seems my old thoughts of time always prevailed in my mind because through observation and a decided mind, time is precious to all that exist. Time is something we all could do with just a little bit more of.
I am so happy now that I have great friends who are motivated, independent, and supportive. I will live in abundance and good health my happiness can only grow. I have already accomplished the things that I have wanted in the past. Now I just need to make new goals so that I can find something new to enjoy. I am grateful for everything I have and will have.
The Image was found using pickthebrain.com. More of the artist work can be found there. All copyright rights remain with the owner and use of this image is done with the fair use act in mind.
So, today is an interesting day for uninteresting reasons. I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes because of a dream I had about someone that died a few years ago. I have to admit that I was altogether uncomfortable with the idea that I found myself in an inconsolable state for some time. I quickly got out of bed and stepped into my shower, thinking that maybe I could wash the memory away. Instead, I sanitized myself and waited for my wife to finish washing up alongside me, with barely a word spoken between us. She always knows when I am not feeling quite myself, and stays close while keeping her distance from me, as she knows that I have a tendency to feel claustrophobic. After she got out of the shower, I opted to stay in a bit longer, still trying to forget, or at least put at ease what my mind refuses to let go of.
Now, I did not feel quite the way I would have liked to when I got out of a shower, so I decided I would do something that my wife uses to help herself when she feels a bout of sadness. I went down stairs sat down next to my wife and asked her if she was hungry. Of course she said yes, it was early in the morning and we had not eaten yet. So, I went to the kitchen and decided to put my mind to a task: making some oatmeal. Once our breakfast had been made and served, I decided to get close to my wife on the couch and smother myself in her presence. The idea of her with me always helps, I mean, if it helps her the woman of my dreams who also happens to deal with moderate to severe depression, well then, who am I to question it?
Shortly thereafter, I plugged in a movie that I haven’t seen in some time, and stayed close to my wife for as long as the movie would go and well into the credits. Eventually, she looked at me and told me that she was going to make us some spaghetti with meatless meat, vegetables, and garlic. I thought I would share my Sunday morning with you today because I have not been able to put actual words to how I woke up this morning. In fact, I like the idea of being able to say that although I did not wake up feeling the greatest I ever have, I am able to remember the good memories I have had with people from my past and enjoy my present appreciating everything others have to offer.
I sincerely hope you have a great rest of your day, and remember to reach out to those who love you and return the love when someone needs it.
The Image was found using bhphotovideo.com. More of the artist work can be found there. All copyright rights remain with the owner and use of this image is done with the fair use act in mind.
Do you ever feel like you’re alone? Not in an existential way, but I mean when you turn on the T.V. and flip to the news or read a headline about something that people are getting involved in? How about when you’re listening to the radio and the station brings up something going on and you get an itch to switch the channel until they have either changed the topic or put your music back on? Lately that’s been going on with me. Please don’t misunderstand I enjoy keeping up to date with current events and world affairs. What I do not necessarily enjoy is hearing the same thing over and over regarding the same two candidates for president in America or how voting for either of them will end everything as we know it. Black lives matter, all lives matter, and blue lives matter, what happened to the equality? Was it really there to begin with? We have gone from using children in the workplace as a cheap labor force to enforcing some of the most divers curriculums in the education system and we have completely lost our identity. What is our identity though? We are the loud Americans butting into things we know nothing about and fixing problems that some in world claim we are responsible for in the first place. Is this true? Are these accusations based on fact or are they just other angry societies of people looking for something or someone to blame? I for one do not have an answer for any of these questions.
What I do believe is that people need to start stressing less and getting off their Asses and their phones and do something that may actually make a difference a little more often. Online games and social media keep our attention. People behind microphones talk and other people listening hear hatred or hope. We are a society gasping for breath barely keeping afloat drowning in something unseen but as tangible as this keyboard that I am typing on at this very instant. When people read pornographic they expect to read something offensive. When they see “G rated society” they anticipate an attack on people with an opinion they wish to express, an opinion that generally opposes what most people would consider politically correct. Here is something that may or may not be politically correct; when someone says something along the lines of “All guns need to be handed over to the government because people are too irresponsible to handle them safely.” What immediately stirs in your mind and gut? Do you agree with the sentiment or do you feel something akin to rage for such a thought even being considered? Do hateful words and counter thoughts occur to you? What about transgender people? Do you consider them people? How about gay marriage? You know what the idea of gay marriage reminds me of? The idea that once upon a time, interracial marriage was looked at in equal horror and disgust.
These thoughts and concepts are so prevalent in this moment and time, and its all being overshadowed by a single event that temporarily redirects peoples attention to something that is supposed to bring unity and cohesion, regardless of borders and boundaries. Instead I hear stories of conflict outside of normal competitiveness, stories that describe people enraged that someone would utter an opinion in opposition to their own. I myself am guilty of this knee jerk reaction instead of being a reasonable adult and human being I immediately want to go on the offensive and cause that person emotional or psychological pain in a misguided effort to either alter their opinion or silence it altogether. If an idea is considered dangerous enough to enough people does it deserve the death sentence that so many people would pass judgment on? Everything here is important to our growth and continued development as an overall society. What is most important for our society are the people within it and the continued existence of their ideas and opinions.